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Saturday, July 7, 2007

Miscarriage

The doctor found the placenta; everything except the baby. "No sign of fetal development."

The ultrasound was just a dark circle of where the baby should have been.

It's a little lonely being just me again.

I don't know where my baby is. Never baptized, but brought to church. I don't know when or how he slipped away.

The sac on the ultrasound measured nine weeks, two days: the day my father died. It's a little comforting to think Papa will look out for my nameless child.

It was hard to drive to Savannah the day after finding out. Going to the ordination, mingled with the 100th anniversary. His Eminence kept emphasizing giving the richness of the past to the promise of the future. I felt that I'd dropped the baton. Whenever I stumbled, there would be a priest or a presbytera, a hand outstretched to whisper: "I've been there, too." It doesn't make it hurt any less, but it makes it possible.

"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand." — Ephesians 6:13

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie...I've been there also. I lost a baby before Ana. I'm very sorry to hear about both of your losses. We will be praying for you...please let us know what you need.

Laura Nee

Marilisse said...

Magda I hadn't read your blog when I talked to you yesterday. I'm so sorry for the baby and for your Papa. Fr. Christos and I are praying for you both and we're sending you all our love!!!!

Philippa said...

big sigh of sadness.

Dear Mat. Magda and Fr. Peter, there are no words on a human level to express my sadness for you both.

May God give you His merciful peace at this most difficult time of grief!

With love in Christ!

Fr. Andrew said...

Memory eternal, sister.

Lissa said...

Perhaps this will help you feel less guilty, although I know it cannot take away the feeling of loss. Technically a molar pregnancy (or whatever yours was, with no sign of fetal development) is not a miscarriage. A miscarriage requires a baby to have developed and then aborted, not just for your body to have thought there was a baby present. Our prayers continue to be with you.

DMW said...

Oh Magda. We love you so much. I wish I could help.


- Joe T.